Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Weasel Skins And Why I Have No Friends

A friend of mine and I were in the bathroom at a big fancy party that she had made the mistake of inviting me to, when she asked me:

"Hey, you know those things that make you happy but shouldn't?"
Looking back I think she was looking for relationship advice or something, but I just wasn't there.

"You mean like weasel skins?"

"No, lik- Wait. What?"

"You know, Like the skin from a weasel. The other day I was online looking through badger skins when I stumbled upon a bunch of weasel skins for sale, They would make the greatest hand puppets! Can't you imagine it? I could even put tiny wigs on them. They would be fantastic."

"Wait. What? I don't- What?"

"Whats cuter than a weasel? A weasel hand puppet. That's what."

"So wait... You were looking for badger skins?"

"Yep. But weasel skins are so much more fun."

"And your going to make them into hand puppets...?"

"Of course. They're the perfect shapes if you cut off the legs."

At this point she just stood there with her mouth hanging open.
And I can't believe she was even surprised.

(To whom it may concern: I did not end up buying the weasel skins because they did not die of natural causes. And I'm a humane psychopath.)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

My Brain Off Drugs.

This blog post brought to you by insomnia. Or the internet. A little bit of both I suppose.

This is the conversation that went on in my head tonight while I was minding my own buisness perusing the internet:

My logical mind had this great idea, being the reasonable asshole he is: "Alright. Your really tired time to go to sleep, there is nothing on the internet that wont be there tomo-"

And then the rest of my mind (I like to call it my 'Me Brain') saw a picture of a chicken: "OH LOOK! A Chicken! I should probably click the link"

Logical mind knew better: "No. Don't click the link. If you do you will never sleep ever."

And then Me Brain was all" "But it's a chicken..."

And Logical brain who doesn't even know a lost cause when he sees one started getting mad:

"It's got feathers and everything. Look how cute it is wi-"


"Can I please click it?"


"Just a little click?"


"But it's-"


"Oops, I clicked it." (Me Brain always wins...)

And it went just like that. This is why I haven't slept in weeks.
The logical half of my brain is a complete asshole. And also hates chickens.

Sorry about this ya'll...

Monday, January 16, 2012

10 Reasons NOT To Have A Relationship

It's almost February. The month of love. I spent this month coming up with a list of 10 reasons NOT to have a relationship:

1. Save a fortune on disposable razors. (And other hygene products)
Shave my legs? Hell no! Who am I trying to impress?! Give you a hint: No one.

2. No more pants. I am just going to sit around in my underpants tonight. And every night. Forever.

3. Live on the internet! No one is going to complain if you would rather blog than spend time with them.

4. No one is going to maim and dismember your friends of the opposite gender for "Totally hitting on you". This one speaks for its self.

5. No more phone calls. My cellphone battery lasts weeks! Being single is like going green. I'm saving the god damn planet. Your welcome.

7. Save tons of money! No more expensive holiday gifts, no more costly dinner plans, only pay for one ticket to the movies, Better yet just stay home and watch Netflix on your laptop in bed like the sad and lonely pile of mush you are. It will be awesome. I promise.

8. No one will get mad when you tell them you love your dog more than them. Why are you crying? I was just being honest...

9. No more "OH MY GOD! Emily stop. You are so embarrassing. Can you at least act like your not crazy?!" I get tired of hearing that every time I go out in public dammit.

10. Lists. What else would I blog about at 4 am? I like lists.

You may have noticed I skipped reason 6. If you did then I owe you one more reason. I'll get back to you on that. Probably. But most likely I wont.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I don't have anything to say so I'm going to post a picture I found on the internet. It is a camel sucking on a little boys head like a lollipop.